walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
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Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Hmmmmm
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying