I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
You Might Also Like
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.