I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
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Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
inside you are two wolves
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”