Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
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My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Fries, not lies.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.