[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
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‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.