I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
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4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.