“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
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My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.