I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
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[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts