A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
You Might Also Like
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
This tweet has been deleted
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?