I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
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The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
i hate you platonically
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me