[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
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I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
You know…for fall…
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”