The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
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mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup