When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
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Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
#SuperBowl
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again