Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
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I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.