cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
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I think I’ll stand
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Lol.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.