I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
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[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?