A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
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The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Quadruple digit IQ
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.