I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
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Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I found your tweet-up…
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”