My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
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You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit