I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
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Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
what the hell pray for carter everyone
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
i wish i could marry a nap
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad