If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
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“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…