Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
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[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.