If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
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Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?