The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.