So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
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Meowchelangelo
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right