Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
You Might Also Like
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT