My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
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[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*