CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
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If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*