What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
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If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Holy crap this is wonderful
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.