I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
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Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
When I laugh on my period
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi