Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
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Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.