ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
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If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.