My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
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Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose