I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
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Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Have a lovely day 😊
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??