My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
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Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
getting old is fun
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that