5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
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She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Well, that should do it
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold