3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
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Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
marvel comics have peaked
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way