Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
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Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
just make the entire table out of coaster
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try