The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
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[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I’m awake but I object,
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
So inspired right now.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.