I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
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Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾