girls literally only want one thing..
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Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Diet update: I鈥檓 already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Him [sexy voice]: let鈥檚 do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that鈥檚 where we eat
Britain be like
She was REALLY feeling it.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
for all #parents out there
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 馃檪
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I鈥檒l have the kids meal
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 馃槑
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
my name if I was in the mob