I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
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My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled