{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
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Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
no cat here
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
pat pat
I love art.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
who did the taste test?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???