PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
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[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP