Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
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I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.