I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
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“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow