Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
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Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I only treason on days ending in y
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together