My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Incredible customer service.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?