My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
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The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
(2022)
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”