I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
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Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”